For some reason today, I’ve had the most wonderful thoughts about nothing really of consequence except that it’s okay for things to be the way they are. This notion of acceptance for everything at the present moment really allows for a huge sigh of relief to be breathed by my inner-most conscience. I’ve been so busy lately planning and plucking at details and nitpicking moments in my life, dwelling and stressing and worrying (which always gets me completely no where) and today, it’s like a gust of wind came and blew all of those negative, hindering thoughts away. Today was the first time that I really looked at my life, in every aspect, respectively throughout the day, and said to myself “It’s okay that it’s like this” rather than thinking “I wish things were different”. Things WILL be different someday, and I may wish for them to be the way they are now, and then I’ll be kicking myself for wishing away my time in these present moments. What a silly thing to wish for. So many people live their lives dreaming and scheming of ways to change their present and current day to day lives, without actually living them. They focus on the future so much that they forget to see the present until it eventually becomes the past, and well, we all know that you cannot change the past. What’s done is done and you must move on. Today, however, my mind decided to take a vacation from the constant wheel-spinning that it is normally used to, and looked at everything and said “Okay, world. I see the hand you’ve dealt me, and I’ll raise you one better: I’m accepting it. I’m taking it and running with it, and you can’t stop me”. For the first time in perhaps forever, I looked at my current situation, a less than ideal one in way more than a few aspects as of a recent turn of events over the past year or so, and decided that I’m at peace with it. I’m okay that I’m not living where I want to be, or surrounded by the people that I want to be surrounded by all of the time. The fact that I don’t have everything I wish for makes those goals and wishes that much more special for when I will eventually get them. And for some other odd, unknown reason, today I put my faith in the fact that someday, who knows when, I WILL get what I want and what I deserve. Now isn’t that some wild hope, or what?
Tell me, I’ll forget, show me, I may remember but involve me and I’ll understand.
God gave us mouths that close and ears that don’t— that should tell us something.
Life is like fresh fallen snow, be careful where you walk, for every step will show.
A tongue weighs so little, yet few can hold it.
Don’t be ashamed to say, what you aren’t ashamed to think.
5am does NOT look good on me…But 4 days in Disney World sure does! Off to try my hand at being Snow White :)
Picture of the Day is a walnut tree in Sedgwick County near Wichita brought to us by David.
Beauty can be found almost anywhere. Even in the barest of the bare.
It’s no secret to any of my friends or family: I’m terrible at making choices. It’s not the actual act of making the choice, that I’m relatively capable of doing. Most of the time, when something comes along and it is crunch time, I’ve already made the decision in the back of my head. I’m a logical, rational person, so I can usually decipher what the right path is way before I actually commit to traveling it. It’s the actual contemplation and the repercussions of the decision that have me in a bind.
No one likes to let others down, and conversely, no one likes to be let down. Therein lies my problem: I know what I should do, and I know what is the best answer, but many a time a let my emotions and the feelings and thoughts of others creep into my decision making process. I allow these ideas and possible outcomes to seep into my mind, heart, and soul. I give “what if’s” and “suppose’s” and”perhaps’” free rent in my head, and there they live comfortably, making my choices into huge debacles that very rarely get committed to in a timely fashion. I guess this has left me labeled as someone who cannot make decisions on their own, someone who must consult with 12 other people before a choice is made, someone who cannot be independent or trust in their own rationale.
This is not okay with me.
I am a type of person who values the opinions of others more than I trust my own instincts. That is a very bad thing. I’ve been told things that are meant to ease my mind on this matter: That I care about others immensely, that I have too big a heart, that I am overwhelmed with compassion, that I will make a good mother/wife someday because I put the needs and feelings of others before my own. I think that’s a crock. Yes, I do care about the feelings of others, and it may be with good reason. Yes, I do put others before myself in instances to avoid hurting feelings and sidestep unnecessary issues. But that does not make me a better person. In fact, I feel as if that hinders me in my growth as a person, because after all is said and done, the decision is made the way it was originally set to be made, and out of the ashes of said decision, I arise weary from all of the worrying and stressing I have invested into the situation. The only person that ends up really being disappointed is me, because of something of my own design. This must be changed.
Isn’t it a wonder that talking out your own issues to yourself and a cup of coffee can bring such enlightenment? Isn’t the idea that an abbreviated thought process is all that it takes to put you at ease? Dwelling is a forte of mine that I picked up and mastered circa age 5. I’ve always been very good at it because it was taught to me by a very influential person in my life: My mother. My father, on the other hand, is the opposite. He’s not worry-free, nor is he careless. But he just simply doesn’t take crap from people and does not let “worry” live inside his mind (save for worrying about me when I was 16 years old driving around town or out at a party or driving long distances alone). My dad is a ‘take-no-prisoners’ kind of guy. He does what he needs to do, gets the job done, and at the end of the day, pours himself a glass of wine and lets everything go. I envy that quality. My mother and I, on the other hand, will discuss the same topic 20 different ways until it sounds best. We must go through the process of talking ourselves into feeling up to the challenge, no matter how many ears we have to go through to get a few nuggets of wisdom or encouragement. Yikes. Talk about exhausting, right? Try being this way all the time (hopefully I’m not the only one apart from my mother who feels this way…).
Choices are my least favorite thing when it comes to the long-term, life-changing kind. I suppose all I can do is adapt a lifestyle where I take a risk or two more, go with my gut initially before all of the hullabaloo of the worrying, and dive in. Taking chances is a part of life, right? All I can do is strive to be more independent and confident in my own self, and wish for the best. What a wild hope.
“With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.” — Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”