One life, so many choices.

It’s no secret to any of my friends or family: I’m terrible at making choices. It’s not the actual act of making the choice, that I’m relatively capable of doing. Most of the time, when something comes along and it is crunch time, I’ve already made the decision in the back of my head. I’m a logical, rational person, so I can usually decipher what the right path is way before I actually commit to traveling it. It’s the actual contemplation and the repercussions of the decision that have me in a bind.

No one likes to let others down, and conversely, no one likes to be let down. Therein lies my problem: I know what I should do, and I know what is the best answer, but many a time a let my emotions and the feelings and thoughts of others creep into my decision making process. I allow these ideas and possible outcomes to seep into my mind, heart, and soul. I give “what if’s” and “suppose’s” and”perhaps’” free rent in my head, and there they live comfortably, making my choices into huge debacles that very rarely get committed to in a timely fashion. I guess this has left me labeled as someone who cannot make decisions on their own, someone who must consult with 12 other people before a choice is made, someone who cannot be independent or trust in their own rationale.

This is not okay with me.

I am a type of person who values the opinions of others more than I trust my own instincts. That is a very bad thing. I’ve been told things that are meant to ease my mind on this matter: That I care about others immensely, that I have too big a heart, that I am overwhelmed with compassion, that I will make a good mother/wife someday because I put the needs and feelings of others before my own. I think that’s a crock. Yes, I do care about the feelings of others, and it may be with good reason. Yes, I do put others before myself in instances to avoid hurting feelings and sidestep unnecessary issues. But that does not make me a better person. In fact, I feel as if that hinders me in my growth as a person, because after all is said and done, the decision is made the way it was originally set to be made, and out of the ashes of said decision, I arise weary from all of the worrying and stressing I have invested into the situation. The only person that ends up really being disappointed is me, because of something of my own design. This must be changed.

Isn’t it a wonder that talking out your own issues to yourself and a cup of coffee can bring such enlightenment? Isn’t the idea that an abbreviated thought process is all that it takes to put you at ease? Dwelling is a forte of mine that I picked up and mastered circa age 5. I’ve always been very good at it because it was taught to me by a very influential person in my life: My mother. My father, on the other hand, is the opposite. He’s not worry-free, nor is he careless. But he just simply doesn’t take crap from people and does not let “worry” live inside his mind (save for worrying about me when I was 16 years old driving around town or out at a party or driving long distances alone). My dad is a ‘take-no-prisoners’ kind of guy. He does what he needs to do, gets the job done, and at the end of the day, pours himself a glass of wine and lets everything go. I envy that quality. My mother and I, on the other hand, will discuss the same topic 20 different ways until it sounds best. We must go through the process of talking ourselves into feeling up to the challenge, no matter how many ears we have to go through to get a few nuggets of wisdom or encouragement. Yikes. Talk about exhausting, right? Try being this way all the time (hopefully I’m not the only one apart from my mother who feels this way…).

Choices are my least favorite thing when it comes to the long-term, life-changing kind. I suppose all I can do is adapt a lifestyle where I take a risk or two more, go with my gut initially before all of the hullabaloo of the worrying, and dive in. Taking chances is a part of life, right? All I can do is strive to be more independent and confident in my own self, and wish for the best. What a wild hope.